How 'Emotional Flooding' Spurs Relationship Failure
The phenomenon of emotional flooding can transcend the mental and impact one’s physical body. The occurrence is often characterized by feelings of extreme dysregulation, a rapid heart rate suddenly increasing in the middle of the conversation, tightness in your chest, clenching your jaw, or overall muscle tightness or stiffness that comes on very suddenly. Other signs can include feeling as though all that matters is “what's in this very moment,” and you're struggling to access the logical/reasoning part of your brain. Other signs of being emotionally flooded could be that you struggle to see your partner's side of the conversation or viewpoint, or that you overall feel uncontrollable feelings of sadness, anger, or that the relationship is coming to an end and there is nothing you can do about it.
Some people learn as children to stifle emotions. We learned that if something bothers us, no matter how much it bothers us, we need to just push it down, push it inside, and keep moving forward in our lives or in the relationship. This blocks us from being able to get in touch with and understand our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This also blocks us from being able to heal our triggers. And it definitely blocks us from being able to have healthy and effective communication with our partner because it's difficult to have logical, rational, and open conversations with our partner, which is to express our own wants and needs as well as to truly make our partner feel heard and understood as they express their emotional needs. Because we have this own internal chaos going on inside of us or our own emotional flooding going on inside of us.
Common Triggers
If we really want to get to the root cause and the heart of what is driving the emotional flooding, then we need to take the courageous journey inward to figure out what is it inside of us that is being triggered. What is that trauma that we are holding onto that our partner is triggering with us in their words or actions? Now, that's not to say that there isn't room for our partner to make their own adjustments or changes to their communication and behavior patterns.
Common triggers for emotional flooding surround the topic of abandonment, as well as feelings of inadequacy. Although the two are intertwined and ultimately lead to abandonment, they can have their own unique perspective as it relates to the triggers related to abandonment. This can include a sense that your partner is going to leave you or that they were “never really invested in the relationship to begin with.” This can manifest when conversations around changes that need to occur within the relationship in order for it to sustain itself in a healthy and serving way are brought about.
As it relates to triggers surrounding feelings of inadequacy, this can come up when conversations are being had around feedback, constructive criticism, or in any conversations related to an exchange of wants and needs that are brought up by your partner. Common triggers for emotional flooding also involve when boundaries are being set. Your partner can set a healthy boundary with you, and you can become emotionally flooded, feeling as though your partner is saying that there is something inherently wrong with you or that the relationship is coming to an end. This is not the case when healthy conversations are had around boundaries, but when we're emotionally flooded, it can certainly feel that way.
Relationship Impacts
Emotional flooding, if left unchecked, can be very deleterious to the relationship as well as to our own mental and physical health. When we experience emotional flooding, it's a rush of neurochemical and biochemical hormones throughout our body that do not serve our physical health if we are repeatedly exposed to them. As it relates to affecting the relationship, if we continue to become dysregulated because we are being emotionally flooded, it inhibits our ability to stay present and to really hear our partner's expression of their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And because we can stay so stuck in the tribal part of our brain, it doesn't put us in the best position to have rational conversations surrounding changes that need to be made in the relationship as well as changes or healing that we are invited to explore and to heal from. So as to get to the root cause of the emotional flooding.
Coping Methods
An effective way to address emotional flooding is to position it through this framework: “We can't change the fruit if we don't change the root.” Yes, there are emotional coping techniques and emotional regulation techniques such as controlled and intentional breathing, splashing cold water on your face, taking a pause in the middle of the conversation for a few seconds, or even stepping away from the conversation and setting a specific time to revisit the conversation. All of these are excellent coping skills to help us in the moment.
The main way to address emotional flooding is to work with a mental health professional and get to the underlying root cause of what is being triggered inside of me and understand that although I can't change the traumatic event, because the past is the past and it has already happened. I can give a new meaning to that traumatic event and by giving a new meaning to the traumatic event. The trauma then begins to become transmuted and there is less and less of the trigger inside of me, which is causing me to feel emotionally flooded when certain topics or situations come up within my relationship.
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Professional Counselor Associate Ryan Joseph Kopyar, LMHCA, RCC, CPT & CSN is an acclaimed Emotional Intelligence and Mental Health Expert and International Keynote Speaker. A transformational figure in the fields of psychology and personal development, Kopyar is also author of “Unlock The Power of Your Mind: How to Change Your Life by Changing Your Thoughts” and “ Big Boys Do Cry: A Man’s Guide to Navigating Emotions and Showing Up More Vulnerable in Relationships. ” Other of his life-changing work includes his “Reconnect to Your Greatness” program, which teaches people how to remove the obstacles preventing them from realizing the happy and fulfilled life they want to live. Connect with Kopyar online at https://ryankopyarholistichealing.com.
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Kopyar is available for interviews and editorials on a range on emotional intelligence and mental health topics, including, but not limited to, the following:
- Virtues Of Vulnerability: The Upside of Emoting
- How to Show Up More Authentically in Relationships
- Tactics to Elevate Emotional Intelligence
- Mastering Resilience: Mindsets to Overcome Your Toughest Challenges
- The Power of Crying & Emotional Expression in Relationships
- Why Vulnerability is the Key to Authenticity
- Building Mental Fortitude: How to Gain & Maintain a Positive Outlook
- Reshape Your Reality: Thinking That Turn Challenges into Opportunities
- IRL Social Strategies: How to Connect With People More Effectively
- How to Help Others Open Up and Feel More Deeply Connected With You
- Communications Skills That Spur Success
- 5 Communication Methods That Build Confidence